The Truth About Cruising

It was a summer evening and I was mingling with people I had not seen for a year or two. At one point a portly accountant, champagne in hand, accosted me with, “so I hear you escaped thetrenches of journalism and have been running away to sea. Done a few cruises then?”

“You could say that,” I replied. “more than 200.”

“You must be crazy,” said the accountant.

“Not really,” said another guest, this time a woman. “Faraway places, great weather, the Love Boat and all that. It sounds like fun. I’m going to take a cruise this winter. Which gives me an idea,” she said with a flourish of the bottle she was carrying “If I pour you another glass of champagne will you tell me what is the right ship for me?”

Every man has his price. I held out my glass.

The truth is there is a ship, and perhaps a theme cruise, for everyone – singles, couples, children, gays/lesbians, rock ‘n’ roll fans, sports fanatics, bridge players, beach bums, rock climbers, jazz souls, adventure seekers and even non-smokers (you’re put off at the next port if you light up).

Prices vary enormously with some vessels just for the very rich. The trick is to find the right one. Best place to start is a good travel agent, preferably one who specializes in cruising. You might also buy the Berlitz guide Ocean Cruising and Cruise Ships by Douglas Ward, a man who really knows what floats.

But isn’t it mostly old people?

It might have been at one time but that was because the first cruises were longer voyages that appealed to retirees. But as the market has matured -- and cruising is the fastest-growing sector of the travel industry. The average age of first-time passengers is now well under 40.

What you generally see on ships these days is a broad range of ages. Ships are ideal for family gatherings with “let’s meet on the Grand Princess” hard to resist. Quite often the senior member will have a spacious suite for group evening cocktails and the others will be scattered around the vessel. With 108,000 tons of ship at their disposal, there is an amazing variety of things to do as well as places to hide. Basically, you are on a self-contained floating resort. The result is a pleasing mix of togetherness and privacy.

Is it something children would enjoy?

Absolutely, particularly on the newer ships which have supervised play areas for little kids, video alleys, computer classes, internet rooms and TV studios, plus teen dance clubs. Many cruises feature beach days where there are water sports and picnics. If you’re on a Med cruise they can learn a lot simply by stepping ashore in Italy or France, where there’s enjoyable activities from exploring castles to browsing fun markets like the one at St Tropez.

To spoil the little blighters absolutely rotten, take them to Port Canaveral in Florida and step aboard the gleaming Disney Magic or Disney Wonder whose whistles play When You Wish Upon a Star, Mickey’s ears are on the funnel, and a 15-foot version of Goofy hangs upside down from the stern. In case you wondered, he’s painting the ship. Usual routine is to combine a few days on the sea-going never-never land with a visit to Disneyworld.

What about singles?

Cruising is the best holiday in the world for single travellers. You simply turn up for dinner the first night, join a table for eight, and you are alone no more. If you don’t like the group, see the maitre d’ and a move is usually no bother. After dinner there’s always somebody going your way, whether it is to the show, the casino or a nightclub. Same with shore excursions. You just take your seat on the bus, and you are one of a group.

The old expression safety in numbers was never more true than at sea. All tours are escorted and there is usually a ship’s doctor or nurse not far away.

It must be an easy way to see a lot of places

No doubt about it. Take the China cruise I did from Kobe in Japan to Hong Kong. It included a port call then bus convoy (with a police escort all the way) to Beijing, two nights there and a visit to the Great Wall. Okay it’s a long flight to Japan, but once you are there you only have to unpack once and after that the Orient unfolds with ease – I’ll never forget strolling along the Bund in Shanghai or sailing into Hong Kong’s amazing harbour. Doing all that by air and land would be tough sledding.

But cruising must be expensive?

Going a long way in luxury is never cheap, but it’s very good value if you consider that when you buy a cruise it comes with an air ticket, your room, all meals, entertainment, not to mention transportation. Shore excursions are included with some cruises. Try pricing a Mediterranean cruise, then look at the costs for good hotels in places like Barcelona, Cannes and Portofino, then add on meals.

Cruising is even better value if you find a sailing that is a slow seller. Cruise lines hate empty cabins because they want people on board to tip the crew and spend money in the spa, bars and shops. There are sometimes savings on repositioning cruises such as Atlantic crossings.

You must be a terrible romantic?

Ships are thronged with them. In fact some leave reality on the dock, yearning to escape from the bonds of everyday life. People step outside of themselves, become more sociable, men wear orange dinner jackets and women flaunt Dolce & Gabbana even if they look like hookers. Those who have followed the packing maxim of bringing half the clothes and twice the money can find enough sequins in the on-board shops to light up Times Square.

Every night is a party as passengers meet for drinks before dinner, spend the meal recounting the day’s adventures, then head for the shows, which on bigger ships like Carnival Splendor (that’s the way the Americans spell it) are getting to be quite impressive if only for the array of technical gadgets such as giant video screens. Movies under the stars and all that, complete with popcorn.

If you like to dance a ship is for you. Nightclubs have come a long way since the old Sitmar ships when the disco was above the captain’s cabin, hence his excuse for always being on the floor. As for ballroom dancers, there is usually a good band, while members of the entertainment staff give daytime lessons in everything from strict tempo to line dancing.

Big ships must be impersonal. Surely a 3000-passenger ship is too big?

Not necessarily. Big ships have lots of facilities such as spacious spas and better than most spas you’ll find ashore. The Celebrity ships have wonderful spa therapy pools, so large in fact they have to be carefully positioned so as not to sink the ship.

More space means larger and better equipped showrooms, loads of shops, superb gym facilities and of course more restaurants. On many ships you have a choice of restaurants such as Italian and Chinese.

The mega-ships have high space ratios which means more room for everybody. Even on the biggest ship I’ve never had a problem finding a quiet space, and of course there’s always your private balcony, which most new ships now offer.

And on the subject of big, the 5,400-passsenger Oasis of the Seas, starts service in December. It will be the world’s biggest ship, so if Archimedes was right we can expect the Caribbean to rise at least a foot.

What about small ships?

They tend to be expensive, but if you can afford it there are no crowds, little queuing  butlers, dining rooms with creative dishes and you can eat with whom you want and when you want, plus service from people who know what they are doing. Sadly, cruising is so popular that ships can’t get enough capable staff, and you’ll often hear the refrain “who ordered the pasta?” Spoil yourself and try Silversea, Crystal, Regent, Seabourn, Sea Dream, or indeed the Europa, rated best in the world by the Berlitz cruising guide.

The big question – can I meet somebody from the opposite sex?

On a ship, darling, you can meet people of all sexes, although I have been telling men for years that the odds are definitely in their favour. But they tend to be such stick-in-the-muds, preferring gardening or golf in the rain. My conclusion is that as women get older they become more adventurous whereas men just get older.

In answer to the usual question about lots of widows at sea, there is no denying that, and it is a good place for them, for they get very well looked after, they go to the best places and the sun is usually shining. In other words, they have a lot of fun. I know one woman who spent years on a ship and when it went into drydock the cruise line sent her to a five-star hotel in a limousine, paid all the bills, and brought her back again. As she used to say, “if you can afford it, it beats an old folks’ home.”

Quite often these women bring along a daughter or niece, the latter partying the night away when the old gals are tucked up in bed. Not a few  women have affairs with the captain or crew and book repeat voyages for reunions. It used to be said of Royal Cruise Line that the parade of limousines at the dock at San Francisco was not for the passengers but to pick up crewmen who were being ferried to their lovers.

There was a barman who had a regular thing with a wealthy woman from Hawaii. He had a friend in the hotel department who made sure her cabin was opposite a crew service door, so to speak, so he could slip into her cabin unnoticed.

Just take care if you do meet someone and get carried away on deck. Officers on watch get their nightly entertainment checked the security cameras that scan the ships. You might just feature in the next wardroom home movie.

Do you have to take the ship’s shore excursions?

Not at all, although some are the only way to go and they have got more expensive in recent years. I recall a Med cruise when went to Cairo and the pyramids in a convoy of buses, plus a car with a medical team, and I’ll never forget a guide retrieving a passenger’s money after he had been swindled at a rest stop. It was an excellent trip. However that night our waiter said he had done the same thing with three pals in an air-conditioned Mercedes for less than half the price.

You have to use your judgment, the key things being safety and not missing the ship. My tip is to talk to the crew and see what they are doing – and paying! For example I’ve been in Alaska when my ship was charging £120 for a glacier flightseeing trip, yet the local paper had the same thing advertised for £100.

Some city tours are similarly overpriced, such as at Sitka where they want an arm and a leg to go once around the totem poles. Believe me, you don’t have to be Marco Polo to get off the ship and do your own thing. If you need a group for a taxi or a mini-bus ask others at your dinner table.

What are the chances of a shipwreck?

Slim, although a few years ago a Greek vessel did sink off South Africa. But it was old and the crew highly suspect. For example the captain abandoned the ship, and all its passengers, by helicopter so he could, as he later said, organize the rescue from the shore. A British ventriloquist took charge and no lives were lost.

My advice is to stick to well-known cruise lines and take the emergency drill seriously, although one Princess Cruises’ captain, the splendid John Young, used to get everyone’s attention by injecting a little humor. “If you see a passenger falling overboard,” he would say in beautifully enunciated English, “DO let us know … even if it’s somebody you can’t stand.”

I’m into sports. Is there a ship for me?

No question. Star Clippers has quality sailing ships with just 180 passengers and great for scuba divers and snorkelers. They are also delightfully casual and have a good formula that appeals to the young at heart of all ages.

Moving upmarket, the luxurious Seabourn and Sea Dream ships have James Bond-type stern doors that open to present a platform for sailing boats, water skiing and jetskis.

Armchair fans will enjoy a ride the bigger American-run ships which tend to have spacious bars with invited sports personalities and wall-to-wall giant TV sets broadcasting live and taped events like the Superbowl. Baseball cap and chewing gum are mandatory.

Are there short cruises, if you only have a few days?

Plenty. In fact cruises of two to five days are the hot number in the American market. If you’re in Florida it’s easy to pick up a quickie cruise from Miami or Ft Lauderdale, or go from Cape Canaveral to the Bahamas.

I don’t like the idea of flying. Can I find a cruise from the to a UK port?

No problem. There are cruises from several ports including Southampton, Dover, Harwich and Edinburgh with UK-based lines such as Fred Olsen and P & O.

Finally

When it comes to booking, talk to a travel agent who specializes in cruising. If you want something special, like a luxury ship, look no further than Mundy Cruising in London.

Otherwise, don’t forget that food is a constant feature of a cruise, so use the gym and walk the deck … otherwise you will board as a passenger and leave as cargo.

In the meantime, more champagne darling.